tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
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The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
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Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.