She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
