Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
