he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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