Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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