your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
