Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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