i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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