I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
