I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Of course I have a pirate flag
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
