Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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