true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
