It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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