The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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