the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
