i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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