Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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