96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
