I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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