U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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