I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
