i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
