There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
