In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
