He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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