I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
