i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
