mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
no, he came in my armpit
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
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So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
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Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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