Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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