in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
