I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
