you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
