The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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