I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
