Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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