atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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