I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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