dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
