Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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