either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
