STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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