Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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