I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
