He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
