is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
