Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
