if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
