Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
