He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
