I think my vagina is haunted
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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