I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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