Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
