my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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