Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
